A comic I stole from booksofadam.com: buy his stuff.
Humor, Quirky

Bearded Epilogue

I awoke at 7 AM on the morning after, with only three hours of sleep behind my eyelids. The first thought on my mind was the over 1800 words I had written in lieu of a vision-statement for graduate school, going on a narrative journey from laying lazily in a Palestinian cave to finding closure with my last ex-partner– who left me flatly and completely in June of 2010. It was time to face the music, this morning, and grapple with knowing for certain what I had only surmised before: “My ex is married and I have not even been on a date since we broke-up.” I mean it: I have not been on a date since.

Plodding into the bathroom and toward the mirror, I looked myself straight in the face, ready to have a staggering encounter with age and impotence. Instead, I saw a very handsome bearded face with the most engaging, even irresistibly provocative, expressions. He raised his eye-brow at me and said,

“Man, that’s messed-up: you haven’t  even been apart for three years…”

“Well, theoretically if they started dating right after…”

“No. لا: that is not a healthy escalation. That’s frightening…”

“But she seems to be really happy and I don’t want to be a snot…”

“She has no job. Your ex-girlfriend is married and unemployed –”

“So, I shouldn’t feel self-conscious because I haven’t even had coffee with a lady?”

“Did you not hear me? Three years later, she has no job and your job took you half-way across the Earth.”

            “Are you my beard? Is my beard talking to me?”

“—it’s like sexual parasitism—“

“WHAT?!? Like a male angler fish?! How do you mean?”

“She said in her e-mail that her husband takes care of her…”

“Many women choose to stay at home, Beard… in Palestine, it’s hard work being a house-wife and mom–”

“Forget here: if you could have your ex right now—“

“–you mean her leaching off of what is otherwise my travel capital? Dream-on!!! I can do better than that…”

“That’s what I thought: it makes me shudder – less than three years ago, she was talking about marrying YOU. Now she’s already roped a dude (God bless his soul) and she’s sitting at home… like a lamprey on the side of a delicious bass…”

“There’s, yonni, nothing wrong with that… it’s just… not for me anymore?”

“Maybe I’m being a little scruffy — I don’t mean to say there’s something ‘wrong’ with her life. I’m just saying that you couldn’t live your life and finance hers at the same time: you’d be unemployed, too, and both of you would be miserable.”

“Well, I know that. It’s just that I wanted to find that kind of companionship; I had no idea I would become who I am. I still don’t want to be a ‘lone wolf’.”

“You’re embarrassed you loved her, aren’t you?”

“You don’t have to rub it in, Beard. It was symptomatic of the times. I was trying to show everyone that I could be a greater husband than my–”

“…then some woman with a nice butt and brown eyes comes along…BAM! You’re hooked!”

“I would have done it! I would have tried to be that guy and marry her! I’m not any better than her husband (whoever he is, God bless him). I still don’t deserve my life! That’s the fundamental issue! I failed at being domestic but, ultimately, I was rewarded with adventure!”

“Are we going to have this conversation all day? Look at me… now look at your side-burns… now look at your tattoo. You are not a bad looking guy. In fact, you are a darn funny guy with so much more ahead of himself than keeping her happy. You could find someone with similar ambitions – someone who has something more important in their life than you, someone who knows you have important work to do in your life, too: someone who will be in true partnership with you. But before that, you’re going to find a gorgeous woman to slug some coffee with, chief.”

“And when the day comes?”

“It will be a great date – and I had better be there!”

“What?!? Are you suggesting that I don’t shave you?”

“I’m your visa-beard: I demand respect.”

“Oh C’MON!”

“I am the visa-beard! No machine has ever touched me! You trim me by hand!”

“Seriously… I have to go to work.”

“Before you go, I want you to read me your chest tattoo.”

“That’s so cheesy…”



“Read it!”

“…to seek justice and resist evil”

“I told you, man: you have a job.”

Beard… I don’t know what I would do without you these days. Thank you, friend.

A comic I stole from booksofadam.com: buy his stuff.
Fatality: beard wins!
booksofadam.com : buy Adam’s stuff so he doesn’t sue me.

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